


I'm being strong

by pettynaley



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Iris centric, fluffy flashback
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 04:06:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11592591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pettynaley/pseuds/pettynaley
Summary: It's been two months since Barry got trapped in the Speed Force and Iris finally breaks down.





	I'm being strong

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this literally right before the trailer dropped, so I took some** inspiration from that and was so pumped I wrote it in less than 24 hours, which never happens for me. I apologize for the pain I'm about to inflict, buy enjoy. Hopefully.

Iris entered her and Barry's-her loft and shut the door behind her, closing her eyes and sighing as leaned back against the cool, wooden surface. It was late, nearly one in the morning, and she was exhausted. She'd gotten up at the crack of dawn, a deadline to meet at CCPN driving her out of sleep, and had worked until late evening. After that, she'd met Cisco and Wally at Star Labs for Flash business and further planning on an attempt to free Barry from the speed force. 

Two months. It had been two months since Barry had entered the speed force with his mother to serve his so called sentence, to pay for Flashpoint. Two months of despair, loneliness, anger and trying to keep running like she'd promised. The time passed had consisted of long, cold nights alone on the couch despite the sweltering heat and having a bed to sleep in. She couldn't bare to sleep alone in their bed. It felt so empty, so unnatural. She left early and returned late, unable to stand being in the loft without him longer than necessary. And eating dinner with Joe or Wally or Cisco every night because she just couldn't bare to eat by herself over the sink, no need for the table. Iris even resorted to working more hours, including weekends, which was kind of okay because now she was having to pay the rent in full by herself every month. But none of these things seemed to help: she hadn't stopped missing Barry, not even a little bit. Her heart ached for him and his goofy smile. His pure heart and good intentions. The feel of his arms around her and his lips against her skin. The little things about him and his quirks. She missed everything. 

Iris laid her purse down on the sofa and rubbed her neck, yawning. Her aching feet beckoned her to lay down and take a load off, so she kicked off her heeled sandals and a glimmer of a smile formed on her face. Barry "The Clean Freak" Allen would have never allowed that, promptly placing the heels in their correct space among the bounty of shoes in her closet after giving her hell about organization. Iris decided she needed something to drink before bed and moved into the kitchen to search the refrigerator, but there wasn't much in there these days. She went to grab the pitcher of water on the top shelf, but decided at the last second she needed something stronger tonight, like wine. Her nerves were shot and this would numb the pain for a little while. Grabbing the bottle of white wine, Barry's favorite, she promised herself she would not make a habit out of using alcohol as the answer to life's problems. Iris turned on a single kitchen light and poured herself a large glass, finding comfort in the darkness and the bitterness of the wine as she drank. 

She hadn't cried since the night he left, not even once. She'd put on her brave face and focused her attention on saving Barry and protecting the city in his absence. Things were more productive that way and she didn't feel nearly as helpless. She needed to be strong and concentrate on something other than ringer 2017 was putting her through. With the threat of her approaching murder at the hands of Savitar, the year hadn't had the best start to say the least. They'd been desperate and afraid, unable to continue with life as normal until they knew she'd be safe. And no sooner than they defeated Savitar and got to be happy, Barry was ripped away from her. 2017 could rot as far as Iris was concerned. 

Iris leaned against the counter, still guzzling her wine when her eyes landed on a package sitting on the table. It had arrived weeks ago, only days after Barry left. She'd carried it up to the apartment after work one day, fully intending on opening it, but she never did. Instead, she'd sat it on the table and declared she was too tired to open it that night. She promised herself she'd get to it tomorrow, but never did and the cycle repeated daily. Iris just didn't have the heart to open it, not when she knew what was inside it: her wedding dress, still unaltered, but shipped in from an elegant boutique in Coast City. It hurt to just look at the box, so she couldn't imagine seeing the dress with her own eyes again. Not after everything that had happened. She wouldn't open the damn thing until she knew for absolutely certain Barry would get to see it, too. And if he never got to see it, well she wouldn't either. 

Iris suddenly found herself overcome by a memory of her and Barry from high school, sophomore year. They'd taken Home-Ec together in order to ensure they'd see each other at least once since he leaned more towards science and math classes and Iris towards English and electives. They couldn't stand to spend the entire school day without speaking, as inseparable as they were. Their teacher, a grumpy middle aged Nazi of a woman, had assigned a project that required the class to plan a wedding, either individually or with a partner, so they could get a feel for the costs involved. Naturally, Barry and Iris drifted towards each other. They were the dynamic duo and partnered on every assignment available as they worked well as a team. Facing horrors in Home-Ec was no exception to this. 

Iris choked on air, having forgotten about that stupid project until now. Her hand gripped her glass tightly. She couldn't believe she'd managed to forget that. An unbearable ache formed in her heart when she wondered if Barry remembered. Probably, she thought, bitter-sweetly. That boy forgot nothing, at least when it concerned her. Her mind traveled back to Home-Ec. 

☆☆☆   
"Alright, Barry, let's get started on this stupid project." Iris groaned while the two moved their desks together to work along with the rest of their classmates. Taking Home-Ec hadn't been her idea, obviously. 

"I thought you'd be into this whole wedding planning thing," Barry remarked, settling into the seat beside her. 

"Why? Because I'm a girl?" Iris rolled her eyes, still annoyed. "I have no interest in marriage right now. Boys suck." 

"Gee, thanks." Barry replied, sarcastically as he flipped through a magazine, searching for inspiration. 

"Oh, you know I don't mean you or even all boys." Iris leafed through a stack of sample invitations, wondering if all people put this much effort into a wedding. 

Barry laughed. "You're right." He agreed, then asked, "What kind of wedding are you thinking? Simple or extravagant?" 

Iris shrugged, squinting at the photos laid out in front of her before grinning. "Let's go with extravagant since we're not spending real money. May as well dream big." 

"Cool with me. What colors?" He ran his finger up and down a long list, searching for the perfect pair. "Mint green and lilac?" He suggested, hopeful. 

Iris crinkled her nose in distaste. He apparently didn't know anything about complementary colors. "No way. They'll clash. Plus, this is going to be a fall wedding." She decided on this little detail on the spot. The colors were pretty that time of year. "Have you ever seen mint green and lilac in a fall wedding?" Or any wedding, she added in her head, but didn't want to hurt his feelings. 

Barry sighed, looking through the color choices again. "You're pretty good at this wedding thing for someone who complained about doing it." He pointed out, smirking. 

She shrugged. "I just have good taste." 

"Maybe you should plan weddings one day, like as a job. It could be fun." 

Iris laughed. "Deal with Bridezillas daily? Count me out." 

The pair worked for awhile with little teasing, deciding on a color scheme of navy, yellow and blue. They even chose a location for the ceremony and the reception, which the imaginary cost for was through the roof. Barry cut out images of everything they wanted so far and Iris pasted them on individual sheets of computer paper with hand written explanations that included cost; they had determined her handwriting was better suited for such a task. These pages and many, many more would eventually fill a notebook that outlined the event. 

Iris looked over all the information they'd compiled so far and all they had yet to do. This was crazy. She couldn't imagine going through all this in real life, which was far more stressful and complicated, and paying for it, too. "I think I'll just elope one day," She informed Barry, jokingly or not, she wasn't sure. 

"Aw, Iris, this is kind of fun. Admit it." 

"Maybe you should be the wedding planner if you think so."

"Very funny. But it does at least make you think about the future, right? I don't know about you, but I've had my dream wedding planned since I was eight." Barry said, looking at Iris seriously. 

Of course he had. Bartholomew Henry Allen, forever the great and nerdy romantic. He was just too adorable. "Go on. What's your dream wedding like?" Iris teased, brushing her hair out of her face to smile at him. 

His face became soft, and his eyes grew distant. "Well, it's at the church where my parents got married." His previous look disappeared. "And you're wear-waiting with Joe, on the first bench, obviously" He became flustered as he struggled to correct himself, covering the slip of his true fantasy with a cough. Iris didn't notice. "Anyway, she-the bride- looks like something from a movie, a Princess, and we're surrounded by our friends and family. She has on my Grandmother's engagement ring. And there are flowers everywhere. Candles, too. It's perfect. He seemed distracted then, fiddling with his watch. "Apparently that's what my parents wedding was like, too. Not a dry eye in the room. I want that." 

Iris smiled, loving the way Barry talked to her like no one else in his life, reminding her of how special she and their friendship was to him. He was always so open with her. The places he never let others go, the side of himself he was never brave enough to show the world, he showed her. "You'll have that, Bear, I'm sure of it. You deserve it." Anyone who had suffered through so much at such a young age deserved their happily ever after. "And I promise I'll be there waiting with my Dad." She added, and shoved his arm playfully. Cheekiness was in her genes. 

"Thanks, Iris." He mustered a smile. "Guess we should get back to work." 

Iris nodded. "You know, Barry Allen, I suppose planning a wedding isn't so terrible if you're doing it with me." 

The pair laughed, unaware of the irony at play, as they debated over wedding cake flavors and bouquet sizes, just like they would years later. 

☆☆☆ 

Iris took in a sharp breathe of air, shaken by the memory. Tears had formed in her eyes, now falling freely down her cheeks. She didn't even try to stop them, too dazed to suppress her emotions as she had for the last two months. Anger and utter sorrow clenched at her heart, urging her tears forward, as she tried to make sense of her past self. How could she have been so oblivious to Barry's feelings and her own? She wasted so much time just ignoring what her heart had on some level always known: he was the one for her. The only one. And Barry? God, why hadn't he told her sooner? They'd wasted so much time. These questions were pointless and painful, but Iris couldn't stop asking them of herself now. She was full on crying, her body shaking. Anger with herself and the speed force overwhelmed her mind and the wine glass went flying in that moment of unadulterated rage. It hit the refrigerator and shattered, the pieces scattering across the floor and wine dripping down with them. One hell of a mess was created, one she'd have to clean up once she pulled herself together, but Iris hardly blinked at it. 

Sobbing, Iris sank to the kitchen floor and buried her face in her hands. She couldn't be strong anymore, she just couldn't. This was all so unfair. She missed Barry. She missed their life and the bed they shared, the bed she could hardly stand to look at now. They were supposed to get married-in the church where his parents got married- and she was supposed to be Iris West-Allen. She was ready for that future. That was the future she was supposed to be running towards. Anything else wouldn't do. 

She stayed there for what felt like a life time, grieving the life she wondered if she would ever get to have. Her tears ran freely, uncontrolled and aimless. She just needed to let it out. 

Iris rubbed at her eyes, catching a glimpse of herself in the stainless steel of their refrigerator. Her engagement ring, which she continued to wear with the upmost loyalty and love, twinkled in the dim light. She stared at it a second, suddenly determined. 

She had to find that damn wedding book. The one from sophomore year Home-Ec. It contained the wedding her and Barry had planned all those years ago and she had to have it. It represented something they didn't have anymore: a future. Maybe if she could find it, she could find some last bit of hope, resolve to keep running. It could offer her some strength. And that's exactly what she needed. 

Nearly hysterical, Iris scrambled to her feet and pulled on her shoes. She had to get to her Dad's house. That project was probably in the attic with the rest of her and Barry's old school stuff. Or perhaps it was stuffed in the back of the closet in her old bedroom. It didn't matter. She would look all night if she had to. 

Twenty minutes later, Iris arrived at her Dad's house. The house was pitch black, both Joe and Wally fast asleep. She removed her key from her purse, unlocking the door at the speed of lightning. She crept up the stairs quietly, moving with the stealth of a ninja past Joe's room. Unfortunately, fate was not on her side, because Wally was leaving the bathroom at that exact moment. 

He jumped in fright, clutching his chest. "Jesus, Iris, what the hell?" He demanded. He squinted, taking in her disheveled appearance and tear stained cheeks. "What happened? Are you okay?" He stepped towards her. 

"I've got to find that notebook, Wally. For Barry. I have to have that notebook." Iris said, putting a hand over her mouth. She couldn't handle this conversation right now.

"What are you talking about? What notebook?" Wally was confused and became more concerned for his sister's well-being. "Iris, what happened?" 

"The project Barry and I did in high school. We planned a wedding for Home-Ec class, Wally. I forgot until tonight. I have to find it!" Iris was so upset by this point she was yelling. "Please, help me find it." 

Joe emerged from his room, sharing Wally's reaction. "What the hell is going on out here? It's 2 in the morning!" He was frazzled from exhaustion and worried as he took in his daughter's state of distress. 

"I have no idea. Something about a project Iris and Barry worked on in Home-Ec in high school." Wally held up his hands, growing quiet at the mention of the scarlet speedster. 

Joe's eyebrows furrowed as he glanced between Iris and Wally. "Iris, please, honey, explain to me what's wrong. What happened?" 

"The notebook, Dad. Barry and I planned a pretend wedding for a project. I have to have it." Iris' voice cracked. She felt ridiculous and like a little girl, but at this point, she was beyond caring. 

Joe seemed to understand what was going on now. Iris had finally reached her breaking point. "Wally, can I have a minute alone with your sister?" 

Wally looked between them, hesitant to leave in the middle of what was clearly a crisis, but eventually nodded. "Yeah. I'll be in my room if you need me." 

Joe led Iris down the stairs into the living room, where he flicked on a lamp. He motioned for Iris to sit, which she did, and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders. "Now, why do you need that notebook so badly, Iris, especially in the middle of the night?" Joe asked, his voice stressed with concern. He sat down beside Iris, waiting patiently for an explanation. 

"I just do," Iris breathed, twisting her engagement ring on her finger. "I need some hope, Daddy. Because I can't keep doing this. Trying and failing. Being the leader. It's too much. All I want to do is give up right now." Tears started to flow down her cheeks. "I can't keep running like Barry wants me to. I just can't. It hurts too much." 

Joe took Iris into his arms, holding her against his chest while she cried. He stroked her hair, willing himself to stay tough for her. "Iris, honey, you don't have to be strong all the time, or even most of the time. It's okay for you to cry and get mad and break. You can't keep all this bottled up. Barry wouldn't want that, not in the slightest. When he told you to keep running, he did not mean turn off your emotions and be a robot." Joe kissed her forehead, wishing he could make everything better. He wanted to fix this for his babygirl and bring back the man she loved. They would do it, somehow. 

"I'm trying to lead the team and take care of everyone, like Barry would. It's not easy trying to be the one with all the answers." Iris whispered. She felt so small and so safe curled up beside her Dad. Nothing could hurt her there. 

"You don't have to have all the answers. Most leaders don't. They're good at bluffing." Joe felt tears pricking his own eyes. "Iris, I'm here for you whenever and that's a promise. If you want to talk, I'll listen. If you want to cry, you can sit beside me on this couch and do just that, like you did when you were a little girl. And if you're angry, we'll go boxing. You're not alone in this. I've got you." 

Iris hugged Joe, closing her eyes. "Thank you, Dad." 

"You've always been my rock, I think it's about time I'm yours. You take care of the team and I'll take care of you, alright?" 

Iris nodded, her hope restored. She wouldn't give up, not yet. She had to get her man back. "We're gonna get him out, aren't we?" 

"You're damn right we are. The Speed force has no idea what family it's dealing with. We're gonna bring Barry home." 

Her Dad was right. Barry was going to come home and they'd get their happy ending, whatever it took. He would see her in that wedding dress and she would be Iris West-Allen. Whatever it took, that's how far she was willing to go. She was going to keep running towards their future. No matter what.


End file.
